I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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