I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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