She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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