When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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