I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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