Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
