Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
