The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
