god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
