i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
