the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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