On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
