my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
