I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
