Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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