He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There's always time for handjobs
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
