i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
