yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh god it's open bar.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
