Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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