how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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