break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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