Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
