i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
