Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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