Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
