Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
