i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
