I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize