dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
