Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
