im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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