There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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