Only a mothe r could love this liver
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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