drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
