You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I stole a fireplace last night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
