my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
