Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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