does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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