May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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