If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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