i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
