Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
