Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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