Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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