God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
