3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
