I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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