why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
