i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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