farters have to be the big spoon...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
