You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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