shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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