I'm gonna have a badass scar
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
