remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
