you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
