Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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