My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
