My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You're like the curious george of whores
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
