Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
