I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
